I was thinking that i must be ... aging :S growing older than I'm supposed to be, .... but I realized that it's not about how many years one lives, nor how much experience they have gained, it's all about how willing they were to learn from each and every step in their lives, and how brave they are to accept the fact that they are getting wiser, and they are mentally and internally growing up.
In the way of life, I had so many thoughts ... I could see beyond the front borders of things (Thanks to Allah most gracious, most merciful)
Though I love writing, There were some areas I never tried to step in, and when I couldn't resist my need to write about them, they ended up on a piece of paper with tons of unpublished thoughts. It's just that some times, I'm unable to keep those words to my own self, and I do want to share them with everybody so I might feel that I'm not alone if people believe me, or that I'm absolutely against the entire world if they don't.
One of those areas is "Love" .... the feeling we all seek and seldom find .... the feeling that was forgotten through manipulation (everyone pretends to be in love, and keep saying "I Love You" to everyone else, and never actually felt the real meaning of it !!!) .... have you ever wondered how come we "Love" our families, our friends, our teachers, our houses, or even our pets !!! how come that the feeling towards all those kinds of beings is the same .... "Love" .... If what we feel for every surrounding being is love, then what will it be when we meet our soulmates ?!! ... You will probably say that it would be a different kind of love (we have a separate type of love for each different person, we love our parents different from loving our friends .... we love them in a different way :S !!)
As for me, Love is Love (the feeling that controls you when you find your soulmate) .... what we feel for everything is not described through the word "Love" ... it could be anything else ... something I don't know, but it can't be Love !!
I have always went through the debate of "Why don't you get married ... why don't you just say yes to any of the offers !!!" ... First of all, I cannot accept offers because it's not a job I apply for ... Second, I don't wanna get married to any man ... I wanna get married to my soulmate, ... and only my soulmate.
I once read about the Soulmate concept (That each person has a soulmate, they could be lucky enough to find each other, but yet they may never do :S, and then they will have a choice of two 1- to keep searching until the end ... or 2- to accept the fact that they will never meet, and so, move on, and get married to anyone and live any life "stable, comfortable, but with someone else other than the one who is meant to be by their side")
I think that I'm the first type of those, I want to find my soulmate ... I cannot accept the Idea that a man knocks on our door and asks to marry me only because I meet certain specifications that he has in mind, and that he comes to our home not necessarily to marry "Fadwa" but to marry any girl with the same features, and that if I have a sister he could pick her instead (makes no difference as long as we both meet the user manual's guidelines "or even less" !!!)
I can't imagine my self dealing with some "guy" whom I don't know, and having to force my self to accept him as a husband because he is the perfect man with the perfect specifications as mentioned in the Book of Life !!!! NO, I am not that kind of people !!! I will not condemn myself to the "Marriage Penalty" with someone who is totally a stranger and who is not at all my soulmate. Rather, I would wait for that soulmate no matter how long it might take, even if I will never find him at all.
I appreciate "Love" the feeling i never experienced, but the one that I can expect how it should be ... I appreciate Love in a way that I can never waste it on someone who is not meant to be .. the one.
I have reached the point where I have to make the choice, whether to take one road or the other, and in both cases, I know that there is no coming back. ... and I'm absolutely ready to take my chances in both cases. :)
فدوى نزار
March 29th 2011
